Hi Does Everything Wrong (On Purpose)

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Hi had a plan. It was a very good plan. “Today,” said Hi, “I will make the most perfect cake in the entire world.” Hi put on an apron. Then Hi put on the apron backwards. Hi did not notice.

The kitchen was already a catastrophe, and Hi hadn't touched anything yet. There was a red recipe book on the table. Hi had never opened it. “I know what I'm doing,” said Hi firmly. Hi did not know what Hi was doing.

Hi cracked two eggs into a bowl. Then Hi cracked them into the wrong bowl. Then Hi cracked a third egg, missed both bowls entirely, and hit the counter. “That one was extra,” said Hi.

Hi poured in the flour. All of it. “Cakes love flour,” said Hi confidently. The batter looked like wet concrete. It smelled like a sock. Hi stirred harder. The spoon did not survive.

Hi's friend Boo knocked on the door and walked right in. Boo stared at the batter. The batter seemed to stare back. “What IS that?” said Boo. “Cake,” said Hi. “Future cake.” “It looks like past cement,” said Boo.

Boo picked up the red recipe book. “Hi. This says two SPOONFULS of flour.” “I used the whole bag,” said Hi. “For more cake,” Hi added, very logically. Boo set the book down slowly. “I'll just... watch,” said Boo.

Hi poured the batter into the pan. Half went in. Half went on the floor. The floor did not enjoy this. Hi put the pan in the oven. Hi forgot to turn the oven on. “Now we wait,” said Hi cheerfully.

They waited. Nothing happened. Obviously nothing happened. The oven was cold. Boo read the recipe book quietly. Hi tapped the oven. “Bake faster,” said Hi. The oven did not respond. Hi tapped it again, harder. Boo turned a page.

One hour later, Hi opened the oven. The batter was still batter. Wet, grey, sad batter. Hi stared at it for a very long time. Then Hi said, “I think I forgot something.” Boo looked up. “The heat?” “The heat,” said Hi.

Hi turned the oven on. Maximum heat. “This will fix it,” said Hi. It did not fix it. The batter turned into something that was technically solid but looked like a very upset rock. Boo put the recipe book over their face.

Hi stared at the rock-cake. The rock-cake stared at Hi. “It's not a cake,” said Hi quietly. This was the truest thing Hi had ever said. Then Hi said, “But what IS it?” This was an excellent question.

Boo lowered the recipe book. “Hi. On the BACK of page one. Do you see that?” Hi looked. In tiny writing: FOR CRUMBLY TOPPING — make exactly this mistake. Hi's mouth fell open. “I made the topping?” “You made the topping,” said Boo.

They crumbled the rock-cake over a bowl of fresh strawberries. It crumbled perfectly — in crunchy, buttery, golden bits. It smelled like something wonderful had been hiding inside the disaster the whole time. “Oh,” said Hi softly. “Oh, that's good.”

They sat on the floor and ate every single bite. Boo said, “You know what? You should open the recipe book FIRST next time.” Hi thought about this carefully. “Or,” said Hi, “I could not.” Boo laughed until they fell over.

Later, Hi found a new recipe. It said: DO NOT skip steps. DO NOT use the whole bag. DO NOT forget the heat. Hi nodded very seriously. Then Hi put the apron on. Backwards. “I know what I'm doing,” said Hi.